Always Read The Fine Print

I had to sign another sex scene contract for my work on Californication this week. I not only had to jump into bed with Pam Adlon, but I had to stand in a Speedo and watch a fairly undressed Camilla Luddington.

Costumers told me I would have to have a special fitting to increase the appearance of size of my penis in a bathing suit. I was not humiliated. I knew I was in good hands. So to speak. Our costumer said he was expert in packing the package. He brought all sorts of contraptions to build the bulge.

On the day of the shoot, I was a legend. I had a three-page contract to sign that said no part of me would enter any part of the two actresses. That was easy. I have no intention of giving any producer more reasons to fire me that already exist. I was determined to read all of the legalese of the contract. One section left me scratching my head. The old BS detector went off when a clause said, “All of the dailies for said scene will be kept in a secure location.”

I had no idea what this could mean. I asked our director, Bart Freundlich, what the secure location was. He said, “We call it the Internet.”